i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
