girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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