I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
