How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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