Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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