It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
