So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
