the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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