"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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