Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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