then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
