Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If I die, sorry about rent.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
