I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
