Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
