oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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