The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
