i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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