Just fell off a train. Bad.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
