Say something about gay babies.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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