i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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