so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
