My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize