Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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