I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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