she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
