Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
