Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
