Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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