i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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