I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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