my phone needs a breathalizer
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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