He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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