not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
