I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
