I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
