I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
