my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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