I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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