I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
