i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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