I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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