I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
