all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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