I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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