Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
