Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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