Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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