My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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