I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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