doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
