He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize