Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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