my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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