he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize